Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
