There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
