Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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