I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
