guys are not supposed to queef...right?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
