The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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