i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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