If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
