Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We are two peas in an std pod
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
