I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
