I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
