My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
