Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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