Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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