I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
