My pussy is not your playground.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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