Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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