dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
