____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
