i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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