I cannot find my penis.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
