I am in a vortex of obligation.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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