Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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