Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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