Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
