right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
