everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
