My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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