you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
