Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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