saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
