Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
