Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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