so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
