it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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