Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
