me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
May the power of my ass compel you!!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
