Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
