I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
