my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
