when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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