I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
