she takes plan B like it's going out of style
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
