I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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