its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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