I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
