It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
