I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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