i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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