I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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